Just a foreword that this is pretty much a whiny post? Please feel free to not read it. I know i should be sleeping and like. Why am i even here again after just a few days, i'm not even due for my weekly post yet. Well, i guess its another one of those thinking nights again. My thinking nights obviously occur more often than i say so, i mean i have an overly active brain and that's how i got my tension headache the previous time right. No, i don't really know why i keep harping on it. I'm a weak joke. That was a weak joke.

And I know i don't usually blog about weird thoughts i have like these and this blog is mainly used just as a diary of some sort to keep track of what i do every single day but i don't know. Maybe it's the air in Australia that gives me the feels to type things out. Haha what nonsense am i saying.

Expectations can be healthy or really unhealthy. Not in the nutritional way, but you probably get what i'm trying to say. It's really hard to pinpoint what are the basics and what is too much. After being through many things, i still don't know where exactly to draw the line. Actually, that doesn't apply to just expectations alone, it pretty much stands for everything in this world because it's always about establishing a balance and never the end of any extreme. So what is considered the best?

I mean. I'm not a great person, maybe not even good in some sense. But i do try to be the best i can in my relationship with everyone. It's always right to give the benefit of the doubt and be understanding in all situations. But just as with every other situation, there's a point you have to stop giving. Some things probably aren't worth your time, some people probably aren't worth your effort. Then again, for those so important to you, when do you deem it is time to be selfish and not give parts of you away anymore?

The part of me that doesn't really enjoy sharing problems with others still hasn't changed. Maybe it's because i don't want to feel indebted to anyone, maybe it's because i'm afraid to hear what i don't want to hear or maybe i believe that no one would listen. What is right and what is wrong differs vastly among different people and for someone with such a strong stand on either side, I'll probably still be pretty adamant about my own stand after inputs from others.

I have such a conflicting mind don't i hahaha. I don't know what i'm rambling about either. It would be shameless to say that i've been giving way too much and i don't know when i should stop before i lose myself but that's well, kinda how i am feeling right now. Or rather how i've felt for a long time. Been looking for someone that could appreciate all these but i haven't been able to because

1. Nobody understands (Wow i sound like a whiny bitch)
2. I'm just being self-righteous thinking that i've done a whole lot of shit when it was actually nothing and no one was cruel enough to slap reality in my face yet.

In the past year, i've learnt that it's impossible to keep everyone close no matter how much you try and sometimes the more you try the worse it gets. I've tried to let go of certain people and i'm probably still in the phase of learning how to do so. I admit that i have a serious issue with letting go, like, a major problem with that. Can't stop thinking about why something happened 7 years ago, can't stop thinking about why i couldn't play that saxophone solo well enough to perform even though i did practise, can't stop thinking about the air ball i shot in a social match, can't stop thinking about what went wrong and what i did to drive people away.

If only there was something that could tell us what we were good at so that we could improve on it further and what were the things we absolutely need to change about ourselves in order to become a better person. I mean, we all wish there was something like that don't we. And as much as i can identify traits in people, i hope that there would be someone who could do that for me. No sugarcoats, just straight hard truth for a better me.

And for the things i'm conscious about, i'm constantly trying to eradicate the bad habits and change them. I guess everyone is the same. I don't think i make sense in this post at all. No idea how i managed to produce this load of words after being triggered by a small little thing. In short, i'm just whining in an attempt to make it less whiny-like. I want someone to treat me well. Everyone does. I have more safety nets than i think i have and i'm more blessed than i know. Yes i know that for a fact. I shouldn't be whining so much.

Oh well. This is a stupid post indeed but at the very least. I sort of feel better already.
Have a good night everyone, may the Monday blues stay away tomorrow.