Been putting off my yearly reflection for a while now, and by awhile i meant like 3 months as you can see. Haven't been blogging for awhile and i don't really know if it's because i'm caught up with life or i'm just plain lazy, maybe a little bit of both. Probably wont be blogging as much anymore, if at all. I might give it up altogether and leave it just for random reflective days like today.

To be honest, i do feel a pinch leaving my blog behind. The reason why i decided to keep regular updates on my blog is so that i have something to look back on, a personal track record of some sort to remind myself of everything i had done in the past. Not sure if i will regret not keeping this up but i guess i just don't have as much time to post as often anymore.

And here are just some of my thoughts about the previous year and how 2018 has been by far.

2017 had been a trying year, but of course, i survived. I always saw challenges as an opportunity for growth and to learn. Going through a difficult time only means that i emerge a better, wiser person. For that, i am thankful for how much i've grown and i am happy with who i am as a person, not denying that i still have much room for improvement.

Everyday and at every possible moment, i still strive to improve my self-awareness and challenge my own thinking patterns. I always believe that we are in control of ourselves, our own thoughts, actions and behaviours and there is no such thing as 'I can't help it'. I reflect on myself often, being mindful of my own biases and judgment to change any negativity into giving others the benefit of the doubt or my own perception of the situation. It's not easy, neither is it difficult. It just requires conscious effort and i find that the result of this actually puts me at peace. Reduces the frustration, impatience and any negative attitudes i might have and i think this create a more positive environment for the people around me as well. At least, that's what i believe in.

I have been me, the me everyone has always known. The good and the bad, pretty much the same old me. I still find joy and satisfaction in helping people, in counselling my friends, in giving advices, in offering new perspectives, in providing an alternative point of view and in sharing things i've learnt. Something that i would say, i sort of take pride in? That my friends approached me with their problems and at times i am able to make them feel better.

And the problem with me remains. I still feel like i cant really be vulnerable to anyone. Not to my parents, not to my friends. The need to appear strong and unaffected is still here and i've been trying to figure out the reason why. I'm not sure whether it's because i feel like i can't trust someone to catch me or my pride is stopping me from being what i deem as weak. It can be difficult sometimes, because im not vocal about the issues i face, that i get misunderstood, wronged and blamed for the wrong reasons. And i guess that's something i learnt about myself recently as well. I realised i'm not a good storyteller, in a way that i can't articulate much about myself to others because i'm so used to listening. It was rarely about me, sounds sad when i put it this way but that is just how it turned out i guess.

I feel like i've had missed opportunities. Well, i think everyone has them but mine is still pretty fresh so it stings a little when i think about it. Not sure whether it's because i'm not really on neutral grounds that it has that effect on me but life goes on. It knocked on my door a few times, but because of the lack of support, and whatever is lacking in me to drive my decision to run, i let it go; my cross to bear. And this is also when i realised the importance of support and how much an influence it can make. To myself, and i will definitely utilise this for my clients in future.

Speaking of clients, i find it amazing how life has turned out ever since i graduated from NP. 2 years plus into occupational therapy, i feel that this is where i'm meant to be, especially since i'm bonded to IMH and i'll be working in mental health. I'm so blessed with the people i meet along the way and one of them is John, who is the reason why i'm sitting here in Perth today. It's crazy how i never knew about occupational therapy and it wasn't even my first choice in my application for the scholarship, and even crazier than i didn't even try for MOHH when i applied through brightsparks because i had MOE in mind. And after being awarded the scholarship, i even called up the office to request for a switch to physiotherapy which i'm glad they didn't allow because i know occupational therapy is right for me. Next thing that happened was the choosing of clusters which i was clueless about when i did the ranking of my preferences. No idea what NHG or EHA or NUHS or any of those were, neither did i know about the institutions under them, but i just did a random arrangement and submitted it. That allocated me to NHG and subsequently i chose IMH over TTSH unlike everyone else i knew in NHG and it landed me where i am today. The content in my occupational therapy course just makes more sense to me as time goes by, and the 3 week observational attachment in IMH only affirmed my passion in mental health and made me grow fonder of occupational therapy. I'm so thankful for how life worked out the way i never planned for it to, but it brought me to where i should be and where i need to be.

Struggled a little with handling some friendships and relationship last year, but i've made some decisions that i'm happy i did. Moving away from toxicity isn't as simple as it sounds and it requires much more strength than it seems. First step is always the hardest but i took it and it paid off. Sometimes, cutting off contact isn't such a bad thing. Removes the negativity that brews in you, which makes you feel bad and makes it bad for the other party too. Not every broken friendship is worth saving, not every broken friendship should be forsaken. I guess it all boils down to your own judgment about what you value and what's left. My favourite life advice, and a saying i try to live by, is 'Do what makes you happy'. Of course, that follows up with unless it's illegal or something hahaha it must be appropriate as well. Ultimately, it is your life.

Being in Australia for bulk of the past two years meant that i didn't have much time with my friends. I was concerned that i would lose some of them or drift away (which was pretty inevitable) but i'm glad they all stayed the same. We may not be as close as we used to be, meeting up so often to share updates about life or seeing each other every week to play our favourite sport but i'm so thankful to have them in my life still, and that they put in the effort to meet me as well when i'm back. It's so difficult to show my appreciation for every single one of them, but i do treasure them deeply from the bottom of my heart and i try to express this to my friends to the best of my ability, putting in more effort to maintain the friendship.

There are some things i feel guilty for, some people i feel guilty towards, some past that i've learnt to be at peace with. I've started to think whether certain matters can be reconciled since they are history, and whether there can be a happy ending for everything. In the ideal world, that would be best, but i guess these would only remain as thoughts in the boundaries of my mind.

Honestly, i'm getting a little sleepy typing this. Maybe i'll come back for a part 2 reflection in the near future, and hopefully i will be happier the next time round. I should finish my ilecture before i head to bed tonight. Goodnight everyone.