Hey peeps.

So the last time i properly blogged would be more than a year ago - on the first day of 2019. So many, so many things have changed. For me, for Singapore, for the world. I believe anyone who is reading this around the time of this post would immediately know what i mean or what i'm referring to - the pandemic that is still running rampant round the globe. 

I think there's more than enough articles out there talking about the mass impact of COVID19 on the world so i wont be adding onto it over here. But for me, other than the tedious safe-entries to everywhere i go and the annoying but necessary act of having to wear a mask whenever we're out of the house, the other biggest change is that i've started full-time work. 

It's about 2 weeks before i hit the official 6-month mark in my job as a qualified occupational therapist in IMH. As with all new graduates, i made many silly mistakes and felt so incompetent in what i have to do. Everyone else always looked like they all had it together and i always felt that i was the only one who struggled, but obviously that isn't true. We all have our struggles. And work doesn't get easier as time passes by, more responsibilities come and you only get better at managing it. So i guess every moment now is the easier than it will ever be in the future, and i better treasure it and do the best that i can. 

Of course, having work 5/days a week for so many hours a day means i've lost much of the freedom i used to have. And well, also much of the energy i used to have for leisure and social life. I feel like i've become so lethargic, so amotivated, so lazy. It's not the me i used to be and honestly i dont like this version of me at all. I blamed it on many things such as the COVID19 measures making it difficult for me to go to the gym (because i need to book it in advance) but i know that the real reason is that i would rather do nothing in the comforts of my home. I blamed it on feeling so tired at the end of each week due to all the mentally draining patient work i had to do but i know very well that i simply lost the drive to push myself to do much more with my life. And i'm also aware that this all would continue to feed into the vicious cycle of not doing anything, feel shit, so on and so forth. 

There are many aspects in my life at this moment that i don't feel satisfied with. I don't feel that i'm in control of my life at this moment, feels like my hands slipped off the steering wheel and the days are just passing by with no real meaning. I'm perpetually looking forwards to the end of the week, which i was hoping i wouldn't do when i eventually start working. Also lost much of my ability to live in the moment and live in the present, where i'm thinking about the work sitting on my desk even during the weekends. Mindfulness has become more difficult than usual. 

I've been trying to find ways to break out of this chain. Should i schedule more activities on the weekdays? Should i be doing more studying, research and preparation outside of work hours? Should i push myself to do more exercises? Should i do more of self-care activities? Should i spend more time with family? Should i practise more mindfulness? Where should i start? What's really important to include or exclude in my life right now? So many questions, but i haven't found the answer yet. Maybe i need to fill up an occupational balance wheel for myself hahaha.

Apart from all these negativity, i do have things that i'm thankful for. For one, i was assigned to a great team and have a bunch of great colleagues around me. It is much more bearable to have their support at work. I also have my almost weekly badminton sessions with Chew and gang. These sessions really help maintain my sanity, especially with the lack of other sports like netball due to the social distancing restrictions. 

Mum has been supportive as always, helping me out with so much of the home chores, even with feeding mogz and clearing her litter tray. I feel guilty for not fulfilling these responsibilities as much as i should, but i'm also very thankful for her help all this while. She's really a supermum, i really don't show my appreciation enough. 

I'm glad that people made time for me for catch-ups as well. Thankful to have mentors that keep in contact with me often - John, Lee Sian and Dr Grace. They taught me so much and they often reach out to me before i reach out to them, which is something i feel sorry and embarrassed about. As a junior, it should be me who reaches out to them first. I am blessed to have crossed paths with them and to still have them travelling with me on my life journey. 

And of course my constant who is there for me whatever the weather :) 

Just some photos to update a little on some social life amidst the busy adulting work life + COVID times:

National day island hopping adventure with Mahuhus to St John's Island, Lazarus Island and Kusu Island! Had a homely picnic with these peeps and really enjoyed the day (and the darker shade of skin too).

 

Also had some after work activities with the colleagues, rock climbing and cycling, on 1st July and 5th August. I finally ascended a full height for the first time in my life in climbing! I never completed any in the past because i could never get over my fear of heights, but my colleague belaying me refused to put me down... spent a good couple of minutes over there before i decided to continue climbing. But glad i did it :)