Having a quiet afternoon with the whole house to myself (and mogz) and with us heading towards the end of another year prompted me to come back to this blog since i used to do annual reflections to sum up the year.
The last blog post i had was in September 2021 and many things have happened and changed since then. There are so many things to be grateful and appreciative of that i'm not sure where to start.
I am happy.
Not just happy today because something good happened or i ate some yummy food, but i am happy with myself and where i am in life right now.
Over the past couple of years, i've learnt to draw my boundaries clearer, regulate my emotions better, take responsibility and initiative to do things for my wellbeing. I've learnt to be less extreme in terms of my perspectives, more forgiving towards myself and more accepting towards things that i cannot change.
I also just started a new book today - It's On Me by Sara Kuburic. I had it since September this year but i've only opened it up today hahaha. It's only been 2 chapters but i resonate a lot with what the writer has been sharing so far. She talks about taking accountability for the direction in which we want to lead our lives, highlighting that inaction is also an action, which essentially is a choice that we choose to make. I do share the same beliefs and it has guided me in how i approach difficulties in my life, which i believe has brought me to where i am today - happy and at peace.
Recognising that we always have a choice to change things can make a whole lot of difference to our lives.
Guilt is a feeling that i constantly struggle with. While i've grown to realise that actions driven by guilt often serve to soothe yourself rather than actually help the other person, and that i consciously try to practise not doing so, i still find guilt a barrier to truly being free in doing what i feel is most beneficial for myself. At times it feels like a little rope that ties me to a tree holding me back. On the flipside, it does also motivate me to take charge of what i need and should be doing. It is something i hope i can continue to learn to balance; between my perceived responsibilities and what i want to do.
I am also trying not to worry too much about the future, not to anticipate too much of what may or may not come, but to be present and enjoy the simple happy moments in life. Much easier said than done definitely, something that i hope to do more of.
Having a safe space definitely helped in all of these.
After getting a new surname and a new house, every day is just made up of simple joys. It's funny that as i'm typing this, i can feel the guilt creeping into my mind about how my mum must miss me a lot, how my niece must be missing mogz a lot and how i am not visiting them enough and spending enough time with them. I hate having these thoughts, and i also hate the next thing i'm going to say because i feel like it comes from a selfish point of view, but i know this arrangement is the best for my mental wellbeing. So much internal struggle just in this short paragraph.
But anyway, some updates on the year that is transiting into history:
- Rotated out of a toxic work environment and back into an area where there is good team dynamics and where i find meaning in
- Went to New Zealand and had the opportunity to witness the one of the most beautiful landscapes on earth (NZ was on my bucket list since young)
- Moved into a new house which has all our personal touch in it and it turned out with all the good vibes we always wanted our home to have
- Got married to the best partner in everything - trying new things, doing household chores, eating nice food, working out... maybe except shopping hahaha
To more self-growth in the years to come, and to many years of happiness with this man.
A little (or rather very) lazy to upload more photos but here's one of my favourites from the PWS.
Love the golden hour glow over the lake and grass! Even more so when i was there, taking it in with my own eyes.
May we all have a wonderful 2024 ahead!
Heyo.
Here I am, back again after a long time because I do miss blogging very much. I enjoy reading back on all the fun things I've done, and perhaps it is especially so because of this frustrating covid situation.
Honestly very much done with covid, as we all are. The sianness from looking at the increasing numbers, the anxiety coming from my family, the preventative and at times unnecessary measures at work... I don't think my expectations have been regulated this much ever in my life hahaha from hoping that we can travel, to waiting for badminton doubles to resume, to just being able to get out of the house to buy my own damn kopi.
I never thought WFH would take a toll on me actually. But the unproductiveness with the accompanying guilt... it's difficult for me. Looking forward to continuing with proper patient work, felt great to be working with patients again!
Anyway, it's not all dark and gloomy. I try to give myself something to look forward to everyday: Monday's running man, Tuesday's and Wednesday's body pump, Thursday's yoga or climbing and spending Fridays + weekends with Peihao again. Here are some snippets of fun stuff I've been up to recently!
Peihao and I registered for the Yellow Ribbon Virtual Run 2021 Challenge, where we have to cover a distance of 60km in maximum 5 entries within the month of September. When ex-offenders stay crime-free for 60 months (5 years), the chances of re-offending are then significantly reduced! Thus the standard of 60km within 5 tries is set for the run. But of course, we chose to walk/hike instead HAHAHA.
We managed to finish the 60km after 3 hikes. No more 5am Saturdays finally! Proud of us but it's no fun getting all those blisters and then playing badminton with them on the same day afterwards HAHAHA. Some photos of our adventures over here:
Just sharing tadpoles (both black and white) that we saw along our walk. It had been raining cats and dogs (super old school saying i know) and there were quite many tadpoles in the puddles on the walking path.
Left: First attempt in the west, clocked 18km | Right: Woke up at 5am for the hike and was treated to super good lighting at 6.30am along Punggol Waterway. Also covered 22km!
Always loved the mirroring effect on the surface of water bodies
Here's another one of those
Feels like a mythical forest in there
I think we planned a good route + timing that day
Us at Pandan Reservoir at 6am+, on our last 20km hike
Really love the clear open skies
Sunrise hues before the sun rose up a little more and blinded our eyes haha
Left: He asked for the photo HAHAHA | Right: Attempt at Artsy Fartsy shot at Jurong Lake Gardens
Well, since I'm talking about hiking, let me just pop in a couple more below. Thanks to the shirts that covered different portions of his neck, he now has a three-layer suntan at the back of his neck. He's almost a kueh lapis now.
Left: Him doing the recce before making me bash through the forest and climb over a little ditch with him to get into Chestnut Nature Park from the expressway | Right: On one of the trails in Chestnut Nature Park - untouched, rustic feel
We spotted a tortoise too! It looks a little lonely standing there all by himself. He was huge too, though it may not appear so in the photo.
Left: One of the towers at Chestnut Nature Park | Right: Changi Beach Boardwalk
Love how the clouds give the sky so much texture
We also completed the Push Up Challenge 2021 in June. It was 25 days this time instead of 21, and we did a total of 3318 push ups this year. It was also nice to see my form getting better as compared to the previous two years. We tried this tiger pushup but honestly I think we looked more like a pair of worms.
Anyway, we caught two pretty good movies too - Free Guy and Shang-Chi and the legend of the ten rings!
In the last two months, I also moved from inpatient to the forensic team and had to move offices as well. Good thing we still manage to have fun with each other during work despite not being in our usual departmental office! Or perhaps we were just behaving like kids HAHAHA it's a fine line. We were literally throwing our octopus at each other HAHAHA. Would have uploaded the videos here but it didn't seem to work.
It's been all Peihao's face here so let's have something different for a change HAHAHA. I have a new baby nephew and he was born on 7/11, which means he's about over 10 months now. My mum is helping to care for him while he continues to sit on the waiting list for a childcare centre, so now I have two babies at home.
Center parting on the right was styled by yours truly
And here is my second baby
Hopefully I will get back to my blogging habit again, but who am I kidding HAHAHA this post took like more than a week to finish because I got lazy multiple times during that time. More updates when I'm less lazy! :)
Back for a short update before a new week begins tomorrow!
It would be a blatant lie to say i'm not having Monday Blues HAHAHA but i guess that's just how working life is going to be for at least the next 30 years. Not to mention, this is only the tip of the adulting iceberg - there's still marriage, housing, children and other responsibilities that have yet to come.
7 months into my job, still love what i do even though i must say, it has been tiring. I won't go to the extent of saying i'm drained or flat out exhausted, and i think this can be attributed to the fact that i try not to work overtime - which also means that i don't deliver as quickly or as much. Because of that, there is always this guilt that follows me around, where i constantly question myself if i should be doing more. I try to remind myself about how precious time spent with loved ones is, and that work is work, there is so much more to life. I know i might sound like a 25y/o who just started work and simply isn't working hard enough (or perhaps this is my own perception of myself), but i guess this is what i find, suits me best at the moment.
Following up from my previous post where i said i would try behavioural activation on myself (scheduling and participating in more activities), here are some of the activities i've been up to (that i can remember):
Leather pouch workshop yesterday by MakethProject
Us in action HAHAHA we were so afraid of screwing it up. Meant to be Peihao's birthday celebration which happened during circuit breaker (unfortunately) so it got postponed until now
Cycling at Punggol Waterway.
Always wanted to bring Peihao over there, and after a long time and many weeks of being lazy, finally did.
The joke is that, we were meant to catch the sunset LOL but we obviously failed
And the other weekend when Peihao surprised me by bringing me to eat some yummy fresh oysters! So so so super good, and affordable too because it was happy hour. We also had some cakes afterwards because i've been craving some sweets.
Yup no pictures of oysters because we were too excited to eat them HAHAHA
Have been meeting up with friends more often as well. Like the netball girls for steamboat at Sherwin's place as usual. Been 8 years since we first played netball together!
We were all squashed on beanbags for this picture
Also had the chance to meet up with Bellerie, Adam, Yihui and Dr Grace recently. It can be tiring to socialise after work on a weekday, but my heart feels fuller and i think it gives me a better balance in life. After all, work is merely a part of life.
Actually, on the topic of work and friends, i have only just realised that things i assumed people knew about mental health conditions, were well, assumptions. After the catch-ups with my friends and sharing with them about my job (since most people have no idea what i do HAHAHA), i had the opportunity to dismiss some myths and educate about mental health at the same time. There is so much more we can do to educate the public on mental health conditions, and to fight the stigma associated with it. On my part, i am just happy that i can share this knowledge with the people around me. Hopefully, one person at a time, i can contribute to the ongoing movement of raising mental health awareness everywhere and anywhere.
So back to weekend endeavours.
Of course, not missing out on my sports and endorphins. Weekly yoga at work have been really good! Not sure how to describe it but i just really enjoy it alot. My body probably appreciates all the stretches done during the classes. Still playing badminton every now and then when possible, and also started to play basketball more frequently like i used to! Loving the fact that i'm getting some sun again :)
I love how the colours of the court and surroundings turned out in this photo!
Right now, it is an hour to midnight and i think it's time to end this little update. Will be back with more adventures and perhaps more learnings, more reflection and more thoughts about work or life.
Ending with a gentle reminder to myself:
- Work is not everything. It is merely a part of life.
- Do what you will not regret in the future.
- Remember to enjoy the present moment.
Hey peeps.
So the last time i properly blogged would be more than a year ago - on the first day of 2019. So many, so many things have changed. For me, for Singapore, for the world. I believe anyone who is reading this around the time of this post would immediately know what i mean or what i'm referring to - the pandemic that is still running rampant round the globe.
I think there's more than enough articles out there talking about the mass impact of COVID19 on the world so i wont be adding onto it over here. But for me, other than the tedious safe-entries to everywhere i go and the annoying but necessary act of having to wear a mask whenever we're out of the house, the other biggest change is that i've started full-time work.
It's about 2 weeks before i hit the official 6-month mark in my job as a qualified occupational therapist in IMH. As with all new graduates, i made many silly mistakes and felt so incompetent in what i have to do. Everyone else always looked like they all had it together and i always felt that i was the only one who struggled, but obviously that isn't true. We all have our struggles. And work doesn't get easier as time passes by, more responsibilities come and you only get better at managing it. So i guess every moment now is the easier than it will ever be in the future, and i better treasure it and do the best that i can.
Of course, having work 5/days a week for so many hours a day means i've lost much of the freedom i used to have. And well, also much of the energy i used to have for leisure and social life. I feel like i've become so lethargic, so amotivated, so lazy. It's not the me i used to be and honestly i dont like this version of me at all. I blamed it on many things such as the COVID19 measures making it difficult for me to go to the gym (because i need to book it in advance) but i know that the real reason is that i would rather do nothing in the comforts of my home. I blamed it on feeling so tired at the end of each week due to all the mentally draining patient work i had to do but i know very well that i simply lost the drive to push myself to do much more with my life. And i'm also aware that this all would continue to feed into the vicious cycle of not doing anything, feel shit, so on and so forth.
There are many aspects in my life at this moment that i don't feel satisfied with. I don't feel that i'm in control of my life at this moment, feels like my hands slipped off the steering wheel and the days are just passing by with no real meaning. I'm perpetually looking forwards to the end of the week, which i was hoping i wouldn't do when i eventually start working. Also lost much of my ability to live in the moment and live in the present, where i'm thinking about the work sitting on my desk even during the weekends. Mindfulness has become more difficult than usual.
I've been trying to find ways to break out of this chain. Should i schedule more activities on the weekdays? Should i be doing more studying, research and preparation outside of work hours? Should i push myself to do more exercises? Should i do more of self-care activities? Should i spend more time with family? Should i practise more mindfulness? Where should i start? What's really important to include or exclude in my life right now? So many questions, but i haven't found the answer yet. Maybe i need to fill up an occupational balance wheel for myself hahaha.
Apart from all these negativity, i do have things that i'm thankful for. For one, i was assigned to a great team and have a bunch of great colleagues around me. It is much more bearable to have their support at work. I also have my almost weekly badminton sessions with Chew and gang. These sessions really help maintain my sanity, especially with the lack of other sports like netball due to the social distancing restrictions.
Mum has been supportive as always, helping me out with so much of the home chores, even with feeding mogz and clearing her litter tray. I feel guilty for not fulfilling these responsibilities as much as i should, but i'm also very thankful for her help all this while. She's really a supermum, i really don't show my appreciation enough.
I'm glad that people made time for me for catch-ups as well. Thankful to have mentors that keep in contact with me often - John, Lee Sian and Dr Grace. They taught me so much and they often reach out to me before i reach out to them, which is something i feel sorry and embarrassed about. As a junior, it should be me who reaches out to them first. I am blessed to have crossed paths with them and to still have them travelling with me on my life journey.
And of course my constant who is there for me whatever the weather :)
Just some photos to update a little on some social life amidst the busy adulting work life + COVID times:
National day island hopping adventure with Mahuhus to St John's Island, Lazarus Island and Kusu Island! Had a homely picnic with these peeps and really enjoyed the day (and the darker shade of skin too).
Also had some after work activities with the colleagues, rock climbing and cycling, on 1st July and 5th August. I finally ascended a full height for the first time in my life in climbing! I never completed any in the past because i could never get over my fear of heights, but my colleague belaying me refused to put me down... spent a good couple of minutes over there before i decided to continue climbing. But glad i did it :)
More updates next time!
Another year has passed but this new year marks the end of four years in Perth, two years of LDR and the start of full-time work.
It is a bittersweet feeling leaving the quaint little town i called home for the past four years. I've definitely grown a lot from living abroad, learning more about myself and the world around me a little more each day. Having the opportunity to leave some responsibilities behind, I was able to utilise the time and space to focus on other (also) important aspects of life. Still extremely thankful to have been given the scholarship and overseas experience, because life would have turned out very different otherwise, and I might have too.
I'll miss many things in Perth. I'll miss the freedom I have over there, the amount of personal space I get and all the beautiful views Perth has to offer. Despite their unpredictable weather where it pours for about two minutes and stops, or when today and tomorrow have temperatures that differ in 15°C, I enjoyed living there. Huge open views of the paddlepop sky, spotting 11 rainbows on a single drive back from work, jacarandas appearing on the trees in my neighbourhood in spring, spotting dolphins happily riding the waves on a casual day out at the beach, hiking trails with gorges, hills, rivers and waterfalls in less than an hour's drive away - what's there not to love about Perth?
I was very reserved in my first few years at university, and to be honest I wasn't trying to mix with my other classmates as well. Back then, I wasn't comfortable with initiating conversations and superficial conversations were quite meaningless to me. I always had this mentality - what's the point of making friends when the friendship isn't going to last when I leave anyway? So my circle of friends are obviously Singaporeans, I spoke to my classmates only when I had to, conversations never exceeded the topic of netball with my teammates.
I opened up a little in second year, and a little more in third year. I am blessed to have met great aussie friends along the way, friends who accepted me as part of the group even when I didn't talk much, friends who invited me to their outings (even though I avoided going to some of them). Even so, I was still very caught up with life in Singapore i think, always focused on what's happening back there and what events i was missing out while trying to get through the never-ending assignments from school.
It was only in my final year when I started being a little more proactive. I joined Willetton netball club which was the best decision I made - gave me my first experience playing in a more competitive environment, my first go at being a circle and wing defender (yes, I'm too short for that but it was so good and i actually prefer defence now) and actually having a coach around for games and training. I looked for external events and attended them by myself, like kitten and beach yoga. I attended more social outings and actually felt more comfortable around my aussie friends, most of whom I've known for more than a year (I wonder why it took me so long). I basically had a 'F it, it's now or never' attitude, which I should have had from the start. Because of these, I thoroughly enjoyed my final year in Perth.
I am also very thankful to have had great supervisors on both my clinical placements and great colleagues as well. I remember visiting Susan's place in Hopeland with Peihao this winter and it was just amazing how hospitable she was. And for all the clients I have come into contact with, I hope I made some meaningful connections and helped in the little ways I could.
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Visited my blog again on this date and i realised i left this draft as well, a draft. Probably wanted to get back to continuing this post late last year but i guess i forgot about it amongst the many things i had to do to get ready for my flight back home. Typed up a short reflection in my phone when i was waiting to board my plane and i guess it would be apt to include it over here, so here goes:
Not sure what i'm feeling about leaving Perth after being here for 4 years. Feels like yesterady when i saw my senior's graduation photos while i continue to work on my never ending essays of the semester, wishing i was the one graduating. I remember looking at my seniors' instastory on their thesis submission and thought to myself, that looks like an insane amount of work, i don't think i can achieve that. And here i am, finished up with 4 years of hard (questionable) work and completed all the tedious essays, reports and daunting practical examinations i thought would never end. I have to be proud of myself for the coursework i've done in the past 4 years. I have to.
I guess some of the most difficult parts of studying overseas were managing my mum's anxiety and also mixing in with friends of a different culture. But of course, there were takeaways as well, like learning to be better at making conversation, taking initiative and speaking up more often. Being brave and adventurous, trying new things even when trying it alone. And lastly, being better at self-motivation and self-management.
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Had the luxury of time this sunday to look through my old photos, read through some of my old posts and it reminded me of how much i miss blogging (or you can call it journaling as well). I shouldn't have stopped it two years ago. I missed out on so these past two years of my life over here, and i believe there must have been many fun experiences, setbacks that i recovered from, and learnings i gained that i have forgotten by now.
I want to pick this up again. I want to note my life events and be able to reflect on how much i've grown over the years. So i guess, i'll be back here again from now :)
Back again in the new year for the typical new year reflection that everyone posts on instagram HAHAHA but blogger for me. I've learnt too many things in the past year for me to pen it all down. I feel that i've grown alot as an individual, my thoughts are more mature now and i'm in better control of my feelings.
I'm not too sure where to start either.
Just one random day in 2018 i decided to buy a book (which i've not done since i stopped reading the Horrible Science series when i was 10 or something) and lucky for me, that book was amazing. It was The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F* by Mark Manson. Never read a book that resonated with my perspective of the world this much, and of course, it opened up many other perspectives for me too. For those who haven't read it, this book teaches you to accept that you're average with hundreds of f words accompanying the chapter (and that's just chapter 1). I guessed i loved it so much that i went to the library while i was back in Singapore to pick up more of such philosophical, emotional intelligence and self-awareness books. The truth is, no books are going to be mind-blowing at every single page, but there is certainly something to learn from every book.
So one of the mantras (if i can call it so) that i've been trying to use in my life is
Acknowledge the thought, let it go
Whenever something angers me, brings me anguish, irritates me or well, anything that gives rise to negative feelings pops up, i go back to this. It does help me let go of the negativity brewing inside me and react to whoever or whatever situation in a better way.
I can't remember which book it was, or what the exact details were, but i read somewhere about the labels we give ourselves and how we try to live up to them when there's no need to, which i now agree with the author too. Throughout my life, i've been giving myself labels like
Lazy:
So that i have an excuse not to work so hard and if i do well i can attribute it to my intelligence (yup egoistic little shit, and of course i know that's not a good one to have)
Caring/always there for my friends/good listener:
And i burn myself out caring about my friends more than i care about my life, did many things i didn't want to do because of felt obligations
Strong:
Force myself not to cry even though sometimes i really need to, and when i do, i face all the self-deprecating thoughts in my own head. Having to be the least affected, avoiding emotional situations, and i realised that made me smile much less back at home as compared to when i'm out (and i already dont smile much when i'm out, you would agree if you know me).
Well, these are just some of them. But the point is that, everyone is always changing, and no one should feel a need to stick to labels, or even opinions. If we start out wrong, all it takes is for us to change our perspective, thoughts, actions, and change for the better.
My words are probably not conveying my thoughts very well, both in terms of accuracy and way of delivery, but i guess the gist of it is there. There are tons of other thoughts going on in my head but even i myself cant catch up with my own pace. So those of just some of my random tiny takeaways from the books. Personally, i guess it's more like a self-discovery and self-awareness process and journey that i will continue on.
2018 was also the year that i finally brought my parents on a holiday. To be really really honest, i didn't enjoy the trip much, but i'm still glad i did it. Whenever i travelled, i always felt that it was unfair that my parents didn't get to travel and see the world much. Partially because they need to work and save for us kids, and maybe also because travelling wasn't as advanced or affordable when they were my age, so as their child, i felt that it was my responsibility and duty to give them this opportunity. Though it wasn't the best one, i hope it isn't the last either, especially after i start working. I'm just thankful that my parents are still relatively fit and healthy, and that i've learnt the importance of treasuring and appreciating my parents (no matter how annoying, unreasonable, ridiculous and difficult they can be) early (i would say 23 years old is pretty early in the sense that i'm still able to do alot of things and spend more time with them). Sometimes staying home may sound like a more attractive option to going out to the coffee shop for a meal with the parents, but i make sure i tag along whenever i can because someday when they're gone, i don't want to remember the day i chose to stay in the comforts of my home and regret missing out on the time we could have spent together over the meal.
I would say, i've also learnt to part with money a little bit more too. I guess one would be the random 'fuck it' moment that i decided to just buy my air tickets to visit Peihao in Canada (most expensive flight ever, longest flight ever and i was taking it alone) and also other tiny things like learning to treat yourself and also your family and friends a little more. I aim to be more generous in charity aspects too this year. Of course, saving money is still important. It's just about a good balance and knowing when and what to sacrifice a little.
Extremely thankful for my friends who treat me the same even after being away for such a long time. Thankful for their patience and understanding when i'm not physically available for them and when i really have no time to meet them even when i'm back in Singapore. It's so hard to prioritise and manage with the little time i have back home and meet-ups can end up being at yearly intervals or even more. But i am so glad that our connection is there and things haven't changed, except the fact that we're older. Here i am back in Perth but there are still people that i haven't met with for a long long time. I just can't wait to be back for good!
And of course, the past year spent with Peihao has been great. I think we grew alot together as a couple as well and we've been constantly learning more about each other. Long distance relationships are hard, especially with time difference like last semester when he was in Canada and me in Perth but he makes it easy. I'm thankful for his commitment to the relationship, his thoughtfulness, his patience and his love towards me every single day. Can't wait to be back with him again but first, for him to be back in the same timezone as i am.
That's pretty much it for 2018.
2019 will be better, and every new year will be. :)
Been putting off my yearly reflection for a while now, and by awhile i meant like 3 months as you can see. Haven't been blogging for awhile and i don't really know if it's because i'm caught up with life or i'm just plain lazy, maybe a little bit of both. Probably wont be blogging as much anymore, if at all. I might give it up altogether and leave it just for random reflective days like today.
To be honest, i do feel a pinch leaving my blog behind. The reason why i decided to keep regular updates on my blog is so that i have something to look back on, a personal track record of some sort to remind myself of everything i had done in the past. Not sure if i will regret not keeping this up but i guess i just don't have as much time to post as often anymore.
And here are just some of my thoughts about the previous year and how 2018 has been by far.
2017 had been a trying year, but of course, i survived. I always saw challenges as an opportunity for growth and to learn. Going through a difficult time only means that i emerge a better, wiser person. For that, i am thankful for how much i've grown and i am happy with who i am as a person, not denying that i still have much room for improvement.
Everyday and at every possible moment, i still strive to improve my self-awareness and challenge my own thinking patterns. I always believe that we are in control of ourselves, our own thoughts, actions and behaviours and there is no such thing as 'I can't help it'. I reflect on myself often, being mindful of my own biases and judgment to change any negativity into giving others the benefit of the doubt or my own perception of the situation. It's not easy, neither is it difficult. It just requires conscious effort and i find that the result of this actually puts me at peace. Reduces the frustration, impatience and any negative attitudes i might have and i think this create a more positive environment for the people around me as well. At least, that's what i believe in.
I have been me, the me everyone has always known. The good and the bad, pretty much the same old me. I still find joy and satisfaction in helping people, in counselling my friends, in giving advices, in offering new perspectives, in providing an alternative point of view and in sharing things i've learnt. Something that i would say, i sort of take pride in? That my friends approached me with their problems and at times i am able to make them feel better.
And the problem with me remains. I still feel like i cant really be vulnerable to anyone. Not to my parents, not to my friends. The need to appear strong and unaffected is still here and i've been trying to figure out the reason why. I'm not sure whether it's because i feel like i can't trust someone to catch me or my pride is stopping me from being what i deem as weak. It can be difficult sometimes, because im not vocal about the issues i face, that i get misunderstood, wronged and blamed for the wrong reasons. And i guess that's something i learnt about myself recently as well. I realised i'm not a good storyteller, in a way that i can't articulate much about myself to others because i'm so used to listening. It was rarely about me, sounds sad when i put it this way but that is just how it turned out i guess.
I feel like i've had missed opportunities. Well, i think everyone has them but mine is still pretty fresh so it stings a little when i think about it. Not sure whether it's because i'm not really on neutral grounds that it has that effect on me but life goes on. It knocked on my door a few times, but because of the lack of support, and whatever is lacking in me to drive my decision to run, i let it go; my cross to bear. And this is also when i realised the importance of support and how much an influence it can make. To myself, and i will definitely utilise this for my clients in future.
Speaking of clients, i find it amazing how life has turned out ever since i graduated from NP. 2 years plus into occupational therapy, i feel that this is where i'm meant to be, especially since i'm bonded to IMH and i'll be working in mental health. I'm so blessed with the people i meet along the way and one of them is John, who is the reason why i'm sitting here in Perth today. It's crazy how i never knew about occupational therapy and it wasn't even my first choice in my application for the scholarship, and even crazier than i didn't even try for MOHH when i applied through brightsparks because i had MOE in mind. And after being awarded the scholarship, i even called up the office to request for a switch to physiotherapy which i'm glad they didn't allow because i know occupational therapy is right for me. Next thing that happened was the choosing of clusters which i was clueless about when i did the ranking of my preferences. No idea what NHG or EHA or NUHS or any of those were, neither did i know about the institutions under them, but i just did a random arrangement and submitted it. That allocated me to NHG and subsequently i chose IMH over TTSH unlike everyone else i knew in NHG and it landed me where i am today. The content in my occupational therapy course just makes more sense to me as time goes by, and the 3 week observational attachment in IMH only affirmed my passion in mental health and made me grow fonder of occupational therapy. I'm so thankful for how life worked out the way i never planned for it to, but it brought me to where i should be and where i need to be.
Struggled a little with handling some friendships and relationship last year, but i've made some decisions that i'm happy i did. Moving away from toxicity isn't as simple as it sounds and it requires much more strength than it seems. First step is always the hardest but i took it and it paid off. Sometimes, cutting off contact isn't such a bad thing. Removes the negativity that brews in you, which makes you feel bad and makes it bad for the other party too. Not every broken friendship is worth saving, not every broken friendship should be forsaken. I guess it all boils down to your own judgment about what you value and what's left. My favourite life advice, and a saying i try to live by, is 'Do what makes you happy'. Of course, that follows up with unless it's illegal or something hahaha it must be appropriate as well. Ultimately, it is your life.
Being in Australia for bulk of the past two years meant that i didn't have much time with my friends. I was concerned that i would lose some of them or drift away (which was pretty inevitable) but i'm glad they all stayed the same. We may not be as close as we used to be, meeting up so often to share updates about life or seeing each other every week to play our favourite sport but i'm so thankful to have them in my life still, and that they put in the effort to meet me as well when i'm back. It's so difficult to show my appreciation for every single one of them, but i do treasure them deeply from the bottom of my heart and i try to express this to my friends to the best of my ability, putting in more effort to maintain the friendship.
There are some things i feel guilty for, some people i feel guilty towards, some past that i've learnt to be at peace with. I've started to think whether certain matters can be reconciled since they are history, and whether there can be a happy ending for everything. In the ideal world, that would be best, but i guess these would only remain as thoughts in the boundaries of my mind.
Honestly, i'm getting a little sleepy typing this. Maybe i'll come back for a part 2 reflection in the near future, and hopefully i will be happier the next time round. I should finish my ilecture before i head to bed tonight. Goodnight everyone.
Hi guys i've been gone for so long again HAHAHA. Well that happens often when the holidays are here because i'm too busy having some social life. But since attachment starts at 10am tomorrow and i'm home the whole day today, here's an update on whatever i've missed so far for as much as i can remember.
19th December: Was a day spent with mama and my skin center appointment, that is what i wrote in my calendar HAHAHA. Went over to Nex after our appointment to borrow some books and had sushi express for dinner. My mum has this weird thing with sushi. She's usually a slightly above average eater but whenever she eats sushi for a meal, her stomach shrinks like 3 times HAHAHA wonder why.
20th December: Christmas lunch at MD's house with Peihao, James, Jhinkai, Henry and some other guys. The legend of MD being a masterchef is real HAHAHA the food he prepared for us was so good!!! Not even kidding like it was legitly good. Thankful for the meal and thankful for the nice catchup with the peeps! Jhinkai was so nice to drive me over to the basketball court near Melvin's place. Played a few short matches with the guys (wasn't dressed for sports anyway) before we had a simple dinner and karaoke session at Teoheng. It felt homely to have their company again.
21st December: Caught up with Dr Grace and Mal over lunch at a cafe whose name i forgot. Oops, getting old already. Always a good chat talking about life and work and studies and humans in the world in general! She feels like more of a friend than a lecturer now and i'm thankful that we can maintain this kinda friendship even after graduating for 3+ years already. Went shopping around Suntec City for awhile and met Shana at Soup Spoon for awhile before Peihao and I went over to Christmas Wonderland at Gardens By The Bay!
Lights were pretty, Christmas carols were nice, but food and games are too expensive HAHAHA. Carnival's pretty much the same as previous years so i guess going there once is more than enough. So after exploring the entire compound, we decided to try our luck in one game. Got our tokens (1 token costed $2 and 1 game required 3 tokens) and went over to this basket thing (should have taken a photo of the booth but oh well). With 3 rubber balls, we were supposed to throw them into the basket and let them stay in the basket, which was a little challenging because of how bouncy they were. Peihao took a shot and i took 2 AND GUESS WHO WON THE BEAR HEHE.
Christmas bear hehe it's called Gohbear now because the bear he gave me previously is called Chanbear
And yes i won the bear for Peihao HAHAHA YAY. I managed to keep one ball in the basket so we won this small prize. Pretty good investment i would say, a memory to keep from our Christmas Wonderland adventure. Dont know what we were doing but we took a very long route back to the mrt and we were so drained yet happy at the end of the day. Such a blessing to have his company :)
22nd December: Caroling practice at SMU with the caroling crew went pretty alright in the morning. Cailing was so nice she made tangyuan for all of us to share because it was Winter Solstice! Tangyuan season is love hehe made traditional ones with my mum in the morning too. It's a yearly affair for us and i always enjoyed it. So back to the practice, we ended our singing session with writing the Christmas cards for the patients in Yishun Community Hospital. Peihao and I then went off for lunch at Saizeriya before i went to see the orthopaedist at Camden Medical Centre. Nothing was wrong with my ligaments and other structures according to him so i guess that's a relief!
Group selfie after practice
23rd December: Our first caroling event at YCH was better received than i expected it to be. Though not a Christian, i was still happy to be part of the team and bringing some joy to the patients brought joy to me as well. Was never a fan of singing, especially in public or whenever my voice could be heard but even though it might have been slightly uncomfortable for how i am usually, it was a good learning experience! We went off for lunch together at Song Fa bakkutteh and it was yummy hehe. In the end, Peihao and I became too full so we skipped our initial gym plans that day so we spent the remaining time before his steamboat dinner drinking coffee and travelling to Boon Lay from Yishun. And that was our journey to the west HAHAHA.
That was us warming up and me with my moose ears HAHAHA
Left: Moose mama and moose son HAHAHA he's so sick of me already since camp 2 years ago | Right: We the reindeers hehe cause we forgot to take a photo together with the hairband
24th December: Basketball in the morning with the usual gang at 918 and even had coffee with my mama at Ci Yuan CC before Jianghui and Zijie came over to nua at my place. They love nuaing at my house somehow HAHAHA. Had Menya Musashi ramen for dinner and 记得吃 for dessert at Punggol Waterway and walked around before we went home. We came a long way after getting closer through the Taiwan trip back when we were only 15! Glad we catch up with each other despite being so busy with our lives.
25th December: JB plan with Yuefeng and Zoey changed to a buffet lunch at Haw Par Villa which we booked through the eatigo app for a 50% discount hehe. And yes, i can't remember the name of the restaurant. And typing this, i almost forgot how to spell restaurant LOL. There weren't much variety but the food was pretty good. Slightly phobic of smoked duck now cause we ordered way too many HAHAHA oh well, always happens when the 3 of us are together. It was my first time at Haw Par Villa so we went around the exhibition. Through the different courts and levels of hell and through the legends of various scholars, magistrates and deities. Interesting it was and now i'll be more mindful of my swearing and the other sins they stated in the hell exhibition HAHAHA. Their depiction of the respective punishments did a good job in scaring me. I'll try to be a saint from now HAHAHA. Decided to catch Jumanji since we didn't have anything better to do and we're spontaneous people like this. We were really lucky because the website actually showed a full cinema which means we had to take the first row but when we went over, there were suddenly 4 free seats at row B! So we got super good seats despite being so last minute. We managed to smuggle 3 cups of Koi into the cinema as well despite having tiny bags, guess it all worked out well hehe.
I had two kois in there can you believe it IM SUCH A GOOD CRIMINAL
26th December: Badminton day with Peihao at Clementi Sports Hall. Yay for another item struck off our to-do list HAHAHA. Wasn't that great a day because someone stole my shoebag but well looking on the bright side, at least i only lost my rubi slippers, concealer, comb (it was my favourite :(), my sanitary pads and my shoebag itself. Tried maki-san for the first time at Jurong East and it was pretty yummy though i didn't really know what i was eating cause we chose really random stuff for our sushi HAHAHA. So it was still a good day spent with Peihao though! Always a good day spent with Peihao.
27th December: Met up with Bellerie at Holland Village and she tried D'good Cafe for the first time. I think D'good is still my favourite cafe in Singapore so far, especially their matcha latte! Good 3 hours spent sitting there talking about life while trying to finish our food. We succeeded in the end anyway just in case you were wondering HAHAHA we ate the last of our truffle fries which didn't really have that much truffle taste in my opinion so i'm still on my mission to search for the best truffle fries in Singapore.
28th December: 老街 Bakkutteh lunch was yummy with Javier at Nex. I like meeting my friends at nearby areas HAHAHA in fact i love meeting my friends at nearby areas. Dry bakkutteh was unique and i kinda prefer it over the soup based one. Even more so since 老街's soup is the peppery one instead of the herbal one. Was early so i had coffee and comics (i brought a Dilbert book hehe) by myself in the Kopitiam at Plaza Sing while waiting for Peihao and Xinmei to come over for dinner. We decided that we should be hippie so we walked over to check out Flash Bang at Somerset. The neon lights were pretty! There were a few arcade game machines too so we had a go at Bishibashi HAHAHA that was fun!! Missing Yifen because she's all the way in Scotland but we found her there with us anyway. Here's a photo to commemorate our reunion:
Yifen's the pig if you haven't figured
29th December: Mal came over to be my personal hairdresser again! Now my hair's back to brown. We had Thai food for lunch with my mama nearby and finished up our presentation slides for our talk back in Ngee Ann. Then we went over to Farrer Park for dinner with Shana. Poor Shana always gets OT when she's going to meet us. My fat buddy Mal and I decided to have chococone for dessert at Mcdonalds while Shana had fresh milk LOL i wished i could be that healthy too but nope fat life chose me. Conversations with these girls never end and i love it that way!!
30th December: Second caroling at YCH with less people this time but it still ran smoothly! Despite some mix-up with the wards, the patients were seemingly happier that day as compared to the previous time and of course we were all happy as well. Takeaway for me would be the language barrier with some patients. I mean, i always know that language barrier is an important thing to overcome especially in the healthcare sector, but it never felt so relatable until that day when a malay uncle was tearing, trying to find the words to express himself in english so i could understand, but i could only use my presence as a comforting tool and at that moment i felt so helpless. Gotta learn more malay and improve my dialect! And another week of gym plans cancelled because Peihao and I got too full at Pizzahut HAHAHA. We tried the Knotty Pizza and it was yummy! Love the cheese stuffed crust even though it was sinful, guilty pleasure hehe.
Our group photo
Peihao was so sweet he gave me his hat because i complained that i didnt have my headband with me
31st December: New Year's Eve was spent kind of unconventionally. I played badminton with some of the guys at Kovan CC in the afternoon and had some time back at home to rest before going over to Murphy's house for new year countdown. Well, not really countdown because we never really cared about the time anyway we just had fun playing Overcooked, Jenga, Saboteur and King's Cup HAHAHA. Funniest thing is that i walked all the way to Hougang One to meet them just to walk back to Murphy's house and realise that he stays in the same block as i do. What a joke but good because it only took me 3 minutes to get home HAHAHA. Thanks Murphy for having us!!
1st January: First day of the year was spent with Peihao. He came over to look for me because i was a pig and i slept till almost noon oops. It was a stay home day for us where we had lunch at Ci Yuan CC and he introduced me to Game of Thrones on the computer. Interesting storyline but not a show i would watch. But that's because i don't like to watch shows in general other than cartoons, comedy and Running Man HAHAHA. Yes i'm a kid like that because i can't stand watching bad people do bad things and i get too angry for my own good. Oh well, guess i'll always be young at heart hehe.
2nd January: Peihao and I had our friends made friends HAHAHA so we had lunch together with Xinya and Tianhao before playing some board games at Playnation! I conclude that my favourite game is Taboo. Everyone please play Taboo with me HAHAHA (i think i'm overusing 'HAHAHA' in my blog post). Anyway, Peihao and I had banmian for dinner back at Xinmin before he commenced his Journey to the West back home, long distance relationship even in Singapore.
3rd January: Had my first physiotherapy session and found out that the records had my left and right knee mixed up LOL. But moving on, physiotherapy session made me feel so weak. Was given a resistance band to do some exercises which i clearly haven't been doing so i will do a little after blogging. Made my way back to Ngee Ann for kaki fuyong lunch with Mal (it used to be $3.00 now it's $3.30, oh well, inflation) and their ice coffee tasted so food. How did i not realised how good their coffee was when i studied there for 3 years?! Not to mention that their hot coffee only costs $0.45?! Time to visit NP more often HAHAHA. Anyway, we gave a very informal talk to the veterinary bioscience juniors and i'm glad i brought them some hope after they realised that my GPA of 3.4 gave me a scholarship HAHAHA. It was good to see the lecturers again! We hung around the school for a short while before we went over to Serangoon Gardens for some RK prata and 一碗甜品 durian mousse with Shana! Stupid me that night was so confident in taking my 73 back home from Serangoon Garden Circus that i either took the wrong bus or i missed my stop and ended up all the way at Toapayoh LOL so i ended up home so much later than i should have.
4th January: Massage day! So so happy that i finally got my massage in JB with Peihao HAHAHA. We had lunch, played the arcade (i won him in basketball hehe) and walked around City Square before we took a bus to Plaza Sentosa for our 30 minutes foot massage and 1 hour body massage. Yay my first time taking a bus in JB! Sorry i'm a frog in a well HAHAHA. Although it was quite painful at times but it was gooooood. Can't wait for the next massage! Poor Peihao didn't get to eat his curry fish head again because the shop was closed, again. Thankful for the day spent together and thankful that he always sends me home even though he lives so far away!
Us on the bus
5th January: Peihao and I went to get some stuff for snowman-making and visited Gordon's mum at Kovan for lunch. Grilled fish was yummy as always! We played badminton at Hougang Sports Hall afterwards with quite a number of people. We had Peihao, Kaiearm, Yijie, Melvin, Tianhao, Rebecca, Jilong, Justin and Joanne. The rest went to sing karaoke post-workout while Peihao and I went back to his place to have dinner with his parents. We started preparing logistics for the Christmas party, mainly packing the rice and strings and stickers for the snowman-making. So funny how it was fun even though it was sort of doing work HAHAHA. Or maybe i'm just weird like this.
6th January: Woke up early that morning to help Eric with his short film. Hope i didn't ruin it HAHAHA but it was an interesting experience semi-acting and voicing over. Had lunch with my mama at Ciyuan as usual and had Christmas/New year celebration with SHS at Academia in the evening! Again, even though it was sort of doing work, i had fun setting up the place with the rest of the crew before the party started. Being a facilitator was pretty good as well! A platform to make myself a functional I again HAHAHA and make new friends with people at my table. We all had fun playing games, making our snowmans, listening to performers sing for us and eating our yummy dinners. Peihao came over to stay the night too!
Overly tanned friend of 8 years
Mr Chan copied my red outfit HAHAHA
Most of the peeps who joined the celebration!
7th January: Very early new year steamboat at Eunice's house with the usual guys. Eugenia joined us this time as well. Saboteur was especially fun because we had alot of people playing together so it was less obvious who were playing what role and it got more exciting towards the end HAHAHA. So glad that i got to meet the guys more often this holiday. Thankful for the dinner treat and bakes by Eunice too! Love her earl grey lavender lemon cupcakes like i swear they were the best i've ever eaten. Gonna purchase some from her next time for sure!!
8th January was the first day of my observational attachment at IMH. One week has past and it has been a very eye-opening experience indeed. Can't wait to learn more about everything in the coming two weeks, especially in paediatrics!
I'll update again from then another day because i'm too tired now HAHAHA i've been blogging for so many hours, and by so many hours i mean 5 hours. And there's work tomorrow! I know Peihao's name has appeared a lot of times in this post, i am also quite impressed with how he's not sick of me yet HAHAHA. Have a good rest everyone and may the monday blues get chased away by the sun (which finally reappeared after 4 days of continuous rain). Goodnight!
